30 days ago today I embarked on a mission. Thirty days of celibacy, thirty days of concentrating on me. It seemed easy at first, and then I met someone who threw the whole thing for a loop. It's easy to be celibate when no one's interested in you. I could have stopped it right there. But I didn't. Partly because he wouldn't let me, and my best friends would not hear a word of it either.
Everyone pulled for me to complete this and I want to say a big THANK YOU for all the support I got! It really helped me out to think that people cared about what I had to say.
What did I learn? Well, I truly learned that it's okay to go to bed by yourself at night- to spend evenings alone- to go get a drink by myself. I learned that the perfect guy isn't always there on your timing, but that doesn't mean you should waste your time with the ones that don't treat you right.
And finally, I realized that you shouldn't compromise yourself for any reason, especially a significant other. You should find someone that likes the real, honest YOU- not the YOU that is a front.
If you do all those things, you may just find someone who makes you happy.
Officially, today is the end of the celibacy... but we aren't rushing. We're doing this right.. and building a relationship out of friendship and love, before we even introduce the physical aspects.
This... is what it should look like :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Nearing the end....
My month of celibacy is nearing a close... and my oh my, are we at a different place than we were only 30 days ago...
I gave A a second chance after a long talk about ambition. He told me that I was his wake up call and that he wants to change his life- for himself, not for me. That was Tuesday night. Since I got home Wednesday, we have seen each other every day since then.
In the beginning of a relationship, one does not want to seem overbearing. So usually, we let little common annoyances just slide by, not mentioning them. Well, they dont get better, trust me. Is that where we go wrong? We allow it in the beginning- and then decide later that we cant handle it?
Tonight, an interesting thing happened. Interesing = Awkward. A told me that he would be out of town tonight, and I mentioned that I was going to hang out with my ex, Richard- who happens to be a really really good friend. I was upfront and honest with A. I told him that we were hanging out and that I would probably also be attending our (A and I's) mutual friend's party. So imagine my surprise, when I show up at the party with Richard- and A is there. I was forced to introduce them, and in my opinion, I look like a scandalous ho that the guy I'm seeing is out of town and I'm taking my ex to parties. A made a quick exit- after insisting he wasn't upset. It sure seemed that way. He didn't mention when he'd call (although, he never sticks to that anyway), or IF he would call- or when I would see him again.
In my opinion, A could have had the balls to call me and say he was in town but hanging out with his friends- which would have been totally cool. Instead, it looked like he lied- (he insists that his plans just "changed".) A introduced me to his friend, who was anything but warm to meeting me.
These little things- like not calling- or expecting me to track him down when he's not where he says he will be- these are little things, but hell- if I settle for them now, I will have to do it for as long as we are together. And honestly, I'm not willing to settle for something- or someone- that's already irritating me 3 weeks in.
To be continued, I suppose...
I gave A a second chance after a long talk about ambition. He told me that I was his wake up call and that he wants to change his life- for himself, not for me. That was Tuesday night. Since I got home Wednesday, we have seen each other every day since then.
In the beginning of a relationship, one does not want to seem overbearing. So usually, we let little common annoyances just slide by, not mentioning them. Well, they dont get better, trust me. Is that where we go wrong? We allow it in the beginning- and then decide later that we cant handle it?
Tonight, an interesting thing happened. Interesing = Awkward. A told me that he would be out of town tonight, and I mentioned that I was going to hang out with my ex, Richard- who happens to be a really really good friend. I was upfront and honest with A. I told him that we were hanging out and that I would probably also be attending our (A and I's) mutual friend's party. So imagine my surprise, when I show up at the party with Richard- and A is there. I was forced to introduce them, and in my opinion, I look like a scandalous ho that the guy I'm seeing is out of town and I'm taking my ex to parties. A made a quick exit- after insisting he wasn't upset. It sure seemed that way. He didn't mention when he'd call (although, he never sticks to that anyway), or IF he would call- or when I would see him again.
In my opinion, A could have had the balls to call me and say he was in town but hanging out with his friends- which would have been totally cool. Instead, it looked like he lied- (he insists that his plans just "changed".) A introduced me to his friend, who was anything but warm to meeting me.
These little things- like not calling- or expecting me to track him down when he's not where he says he will be- these are little things, but hell- if I settle for them now, I will have to do it for as long as we are together. And honestly, I'm not willing to settle for something- or someone- that's already irritating me 3 weeks in.
To be continued, I suppose...
Monday, June 29, 2009
19 Days In
Today is June 29, 2009. Yesterday would have been my parents' 24th Wedding Anniversary. I blame much of how I feel about marriage now on the breakup of my parents marriage. They were always in love- they still separately refer to me as their "love child". With expectations like that, and to grow up in such a loving home and want to replicate that when I'm married... well, it's just harder now that they're divorced.
So I mentioned in my last post that I met someone that I would like to get to know better. A and I hung out for the brief couple of days when I returned from New Orleans. We had a conversation on Saturday that left me a bit unnerved. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a workaholic. Working 2 jobs, usually a full time school schedule and volunteer work leaves me little time to do what I want. But I enjoy the energy and the responsibility (most days).
The problem is that due to a large settlement that he received about 10 years ago, A does not have to work. In fact, he has no desire at all to work. I ask him what he wants to do with his life; he says he's "figuring it out". I ask him what he does with his day. He says, "stuff". He lives in a really nice house, he pays for everything, and he's crazy about me. He's incredibly intelligent and sweet as pie. Should it matter that he has no ambition in life??
I really like A, but it doesn't seem like he's going anywhere- on top of that, he has a serious medical problem that would probably go away if he didn't drink or smoke. Yet, he does both of these on a regular (probably daily) basis.
The old Laylan would probably date someone like A because it's better than being alone. But now, I'm okay with being alone. I want to be with someone that shares some of the same qualities and values that I do- like work ethic.
What do you think? Should I just go by how he treats me and makes me feel- or should it truly bother me that I work very hard for everything I have and he doesnt even seem to want to do anything on a daily basis?!
So I mentioned in my last post that I met someone that I would like to get to know better. A and I hung out for the brief couple of days when I returned from New Orleans. We had a conversation on Saturday that left me a bit unnerved. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a workaholic. Working 2 jobs, usually a full time school schedule and volunteer work leaves me little time to do what I want. But I enjoy the energy and the responsibility (most days).
The problem is that due to a large settlement that he received about 10 years ago, A does not have to work. In fact, he has no desire at all to work. I ask him what he wants to do with his life; he says he's "figuring it out". I ask him what he does with his day. He says, "stuff". He lives in a really nice house, he pays for everything, and he's crazy about me. He's incredibly intelligent and sweet as pie. Should it matter that he has no ambition in life??
I really like A, but it doesn't seem like he's going anywhere- on top of that, he has a serious medical problem that would probably go away if he didn't drink or smoke. Yet, he does both of these on a regular (probably daily) basis.
The old Laylan would probably date someone like A because it's better than being alone. But now, I'm okay with being alone. I want to be with someone that shares some of the same qualities and values that I do- like work ethic.
What do you think? Should I just go by how he treats me and makes me feel- or should it truly bother me that I work very hard for everything I have and he doesnt even seem to want to do anything on a daily basis?!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Halfway Through
I feel that I need to assess myself as today is officially 2 weeks from the start of my mission. That's two weeks in and two to go. When I started this journey I was broken, sad, and empty. I filled those voids with guys- emotional trainwrecks usually. Guys that were cynical about marriage, God and love. Those aren't my type of guys, but those were the ones that were around. I realized that I didn't want those type of guys in my life anymore, and I took steps to change it. I ended friendships and other such relationships. I let go of them. And they didn't come back for me. That's how I knew I had made the right choice.
In one of my very first blogs I mentioned what would happen if I met someone during this journey. Well, I hate to jinx it by even mentioning it, but I did meet someone- at this point, he's someone that I would like to get to know more. He knows that I'm celibate and respects it fully. However, I must confess that i did kiss him. But it stopped there and that was all that there was. My friend Anna said something that I really love and am going to share with you: "You only get one first time to do (physical) stuff with someone... make it count." I told her that I would keep it in mind. :)
While we dont know each other well (We'll call him A), A and I clicked almost instantly. We spent an entire morning and afternoon together without even the slightest bit of annoyance on either of our parts. It's kind of one of those things that just fits, I suppose.
I'm not getting ahead of myself, so I am going to end it here. I'm in New Orleans until Friday and I'm going to focus my attention on this city. Working here has really opened my eyes to how spoiled we all are.
Talk to you guys soon!! xoxoxo
In one of my very first blogs I mentioned what would happen if I met someone during this journey. Well, I hate to jinx it by even mentioning it, but I did meet someone- at this point, he's someone that I would like to get to know more. He knows that I'm celibate and respects it fully. However, I must confess that i did kiss him. But it stopped there and that was all that there was. My friend Anna said something that I really love and am going to share with you: "You only get one first time to do (physical) stuff with someone... make it count." I told her that I would keep it in mind. :)
While we dont know each other well (We'll call him A), A and I clicked almost instantly. We spent an entire morning and afternoon together without even the slightest bit of annoyance on either of our parts. It's kind of one of those things that just fits, I suppose.
I'm not getting ahead of myself, so I am going to end it here. I'm in New Orleans until Friday and I'm going to focus my attention on this city. Working here has really opened my eyes to how spoiled we all are.
Talk to you guys soon!! xoxoxo
Thursday, June 18, 2009
This part of my life is called: Tears.
Today is my last day at work before a 2 week hiatus- one week volunteering in New Orleans and one week at a Missouri NAHRO conference in St. Louis. It's the most stressful day, by far, because everything must be completed, but I also have to deal with a boss that is the most unprofessional man I have ever seen.
Since I'm leaving for New Orleans on Sunday, I won't be here to collect my per diem and mileage check for St. Louis. About 2 weeks ago, my boss asked me if I would be driving, because, and I quote, "we don't want to leave anything to the last minute. You will have your per diem check with your Paycheck next Thursday" Well, today is Thursday. I asked him if it would be coming with the check today. He said no. He said we never had this conversation.
It's interesting, because it's like you're dealing with a mentally handicapped man with dementia. Not only does he not understand what you're saying, but he forgets things you spoke to him about 10 minutes ago. He has been a mean, mean boss- he told everyone at our table at the conference at the lake that I barely run an office, and that I can't do it, which is why he had to get me an assistant. This job was done by 2 people before I came here, and I handled it by myself for a year and a half before I finally asked for help.
Well, this is apparently what I did wrong- I asked another woman at the office when they were leaving for St Louis since I wont be home from New Orleans til late Friday. I was trying to figure out in my head when I would be able to get the check and how to cash it before I'm supposed to leave to St Louis. I get an angry call from my boss. He won't let me explain, screaming at me like an irate father to a child. He tells me that, quote, "I'm the boss and I'm sick of you challenging me. I didn't say that. You don't know what you're talking about". Plus some more angry words, telling me that I'm basically lying, and that I will get the money and to stop worrying about it. Then he hung up on me. Slamming the phone down.
This comes from a man that sent us and paid for training in Kansas City but forgot to register us, so he paid about $100 apiece for us to sit there, twiddling our thumbs for 4 hours. Genius.
I've worked here for nearly three years, and I'm about tired of this treatment. I have bent over backwards for this man, and he belittles and berates me. I'm about to give up this job for waiting tables- atleast I would get a little more respect. A waitress getting more respect than an office manager? Sounds strange, doesnt it?
Since I'm leaving for New Orleans on Sunday, I won't be here to collect my per diem and mileage check for St. Louis. About 2 weeks ago, my boss asked me if I would be driving, because, and I quote, "we don't want to leave anything to the last minute. You will have your per diem check with your Paycheck next Thursday" Well, today is Thursday. I asked him if it would be coming with the check today. He said no. He said we never had this conversation.
It's interesting, because it's like you're dealing with a mentally handicapped man with dementia. Not only does he not understand what you're saying, but he forgets things you spoke to him about 10 minutes ago. He has been a mean, mean boss- he told everyone at our table at the conference at the lake that I barely run an office, and that I can't do it, which is why he had to get me an assistant. This job was done by 2 people before I came here, and I handled it by myself for a year and a half before I finally asked for help.
Well, this is apparently what I did wrong- I asked another woman at the office when they were leaving for St Louis since I wont be home from New Orleans til late Friday. I was trying to figure out in my head when I would be able to get the check and how to cash it before I'm supposed to leave to St Louis. I get an angry call from my boss. He won't let me explain, screaming at me like an irate father to a child. He tells me that, quote, "I'm the boss and I'm sick of you challenging me. I didn't say that. You don't know what you're talking about". Plus some more angry words, telling me that I'm basically lying, and that I will get the money and to stop worrying about it. Then he hung up on me. Slamming the phone down.
This comes from a man that sent us and paid for training in Kansas City but forgot to register us, so he paid about $100 apiece for us to sit there, twiddling our thumbs for 4 hours. Genius.
I've worked here for nearly three years, and I'm about tired of this treatment. I have bent over backwards for this man, and he belittles and berates me. I'm about to give up this job for waiting tables- atleast I would get a little more respect. A waitress getting more respect than an office manager? Sounds strange, doesnt it?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Day Eight
GOOD NEWS ERRYBODY.
I went to KU Med today and had an ultrasound on my breast. The tech couldn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to take a mammogram just to make sure. The "mammographer" said that she could definitely see the spot where I had the lump and marked it so that we could definitely check that spot out. Nothing.
This is great, great news on one hand and frustrating news on the other. First, I don't have cancer and that is the absolute BEST possible outcome we could have!!! BUT! They tell you to check your breasts for changes. I did, and I saw it- and it was this lump. So I had it checked out, and they offered absolutely no explanation for what it could be- so how will I know if I ever do have a bad lump that needs to be checked? It's confusing!
But no more bad talk. I'm happy to be OKAY and thankful for all of your support. I'm going to throw myself into work and school and this mission. In fact, next week (Sunday-Friday) I will be in New Orleans, LA on a mission trip with my BFF, Michelle and her church. We will be feeding the homeless, working with a day camp every day, and eating real Southern food. It may not sound like a good vacation, but I'm excited about it- I love volunteering!
After I return home on Friday evening, I have to turn around and go to St Louis until July 1st for a Missouri NAHRO conference. It's going to be ridiculous! Out of my office for 2 weeks, are you SERIOUS! What ever will I do with myself??
Do you know what I miss most out of the whole being celibate thing? Cuddling. I feel that there is nothing better than being wrapped up in the arms of someone you (like or love). It's not the sex, it's not the kissing. Although I do miss hand holding. What can I say? I'm a hopeFUL romantic :)
I went to KU Med today and had an ultrasound on my breast. The tech couldn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to take a mammogram just to make sure. The "mammographer" said that she could definitely see the spot where I had the lump and marked it so that we could definitely check that spot out. Nothing.
This is great, great news on one hand and frustrating news on the other. First, I don't have cancer and that is the absolute BEST possible outcome we could have!!! BUT! They tell you to check your breasts for changes. I did, and I saw it- and it was this lump. So I had it checked out, and they offered absolutely no explanation for what it could be- so how will I know if I ever do have a bad lump that needs to be checked? It's confusing!
But no more bad talk. I'm happy to be OKAY and thankful for all of your support. I'm going to throw myself into work and school and this mission. In fact, next week (Sunday-Friday) I will be in New Orleans, LA on a mission trip with my BFF, Michelle and her church. We will be feeding the homeless, working with a day camp every day, and eating real Southern food. It may not sound like a good vacation, but I'm excited about it- I love volunteering!
After I return home on Friday evening, I have to turn around and go to St Louis until July 1st for a Missouri NAHRO conference. It's going to be ridiculous! Out of my office for 2 weeks, are you SERIOUS! What ever will I do with myself??
Do you know what I miss most out of the whole being celibate thing? Cuddling. I feel that there is nothing better than being wrapped up in the arms of someone you (like or love). It's not the sex, it's not the kissing. Although I do miss hand holding. What can I say? I'm a hopeFUL romantic :)
Monday, June 15, 2009
Seventh Day.
I'm going to scream. At the top of my lungs.
This will probably be the whiniest blog I will ever write. I'm warning you now. Turn back if you must.
This whole celibacy thing is supposed to make me stronger. So far, it's not working. In fact, all it has made me wonder is if TRUE friends really exist, or if it's all just some lame fairy tale that the people that say that they are there for you really will be when you're sick, dying or bawling your eyes out.
I can count on ONE hand how many TRUE friends I have- and that's freaking pathetic. Did I do something wrong? I don't THINK so- I mean, how many times have I baked cookies and lasagna and made soup for sick friends- how many times have I let people cry on my shoulder and how many times have I saved you from hurting yourself?
Last night, I bawled my eyes out. I have lost one of my friends- and now, I'm wondering if he was even a friend to begin with. If he cared about me, he wouldn't be so selfish. I cant count how many times he's cried to me, I've made him dinner when he was sick or upset, that we've talked things out, held each other, and he hurt me. He hurt me so, so, so, so bad. And he doesnt care. So tell me, should I even have considered him a friend to begin with? Or should I add him to the list of people that have used and abused me, who have used me for my warmth, my smile, my cooking, my affection, my love- and then turned around and left me.
Tomorrow's my appointment. At this point, I don't even care what those tests say. I don't care. Call me dramatic, call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm done. I'm done.
This will probably be the whiniest blog I will ever write. I'm warning you now. Turn back if you must.
This whole celibacy thing is supposed to make me stronger. So far, it's not working. In fact, all it has made me wonder is if TRUE friends really exist, or if it's all just some lame fairy tale that the people that say that they are there for you really will be when you're sick, dying or bawling your eyes out.
I can count on ONE hand how many TRUE friends I have- and that's freaking pathetic. Did I do something wrong? I don't THINK so- I mean, how many times have I baked cookies and lasagna and made soup for sick friends- how many times have I let people cry on my shoulder and how many times have I saved you from hurting yourself?
Last night, I bawled my eyes out. I have lost one of my friends- and now, I'm wondering if he was even a friend to begin with. If he cared about me, he wouldn't be so selfish. I cant count how many times he's cried to me, I've made him dinner when he was sick or upset, that we've talked things out, held each other, and he hurt me. He hurt me so, so, so, so bad. And he doesnt care. So tell me, should I even have considered him a friend to begin with? Or should I add him to the list of people that have used and abused me, who have used me for my warmth, my smile, my cooking, my affection, my love- and then turned around and left me.
Tomorrow's my appointment. At this point, I don't even care what those tests say. I don't care. Call me dramatic, call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm done. I'm done.
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