19 Days In

Today is June 29, 2009. Yesterday would have been my parents' 24th Wedding Anniversary. I blame much of how I feel about marriage now on the breakup of my parents marriage. They were always in love- they still separately refer to me as their "love child". With expectations like that, and to grow up in such a loving home and want to replicate that when I'm married... well, it's just harder now that they're divorced.

So I mentioned in my last post that I met someone that I would like to get to know better. A and I hung out for the brief couple of days when I returned from New Orleans. We had a conversation on Saturday that left me a bit unnerved. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a workaholic. Working 2 jobs, usually a full time school schedule and volunteer work leaves me little time to do what I want. But I enjoy the energy and the responsibility (most days).

The problem is that due to a large settlement that he received about 10 years ago, A does not have to work. In fact, he has no desire at all to work. I ask him what he wants to do with his life; he says he's "figuring it out". I ask him what he does with his day. He says, "stuff". He lives in a really nice house, he pays for everything, and he's crazy about me. He's incredibly intelligent and sweet as pie. Should it matter that he has no ambition in life??

I really like A, but it doesn't seem like he's going anywhere- on top of that, he has a serious medical problem that would probably go away if he didn't drink or smoke. Yet, he does both of these on a regular (probably daily) basis.

The old Laylan would probably date someone like A because it's better than being alone. But now, I'm okay with being alone. I want to be with someone that shares some of the same qualities and values that I do- like work ethic.

What do you think? Should I just go by how he treats me and makes me feel- or should it truly bother me that I work very hard for everything I have and he doesnt even seem to want to do anything on a daily basis?!

Halfway Through

I feel that I need to assess myself as today is officially 2 weeks from the start of my mission. That's two weeks in and two to go. When I started this journey I was broken, sad, and empty. I filled those voids with guys- emotional trainwrecks usually. Guys that were cynical about marriage, God and love. Those aren't my type of guys, but those were the ones that were around. I realized that I didn't want those type of guys in my life anymore, and I took steps to change it. I ended friendships and other such relationships. I let go of them. And they didn't come back for me. That's how I knew I had made the right choice.

In one of my very first blogs I mentioned what would happen if I met someone during this journey. Well, I hate to jinx it by even mentioning it, but I did meet someone- at this point, he's someone that I would like to get to know more. He knows that I'm celibate and respects it fully. However, I must confess that i did kiss him. But it stopped there and that was all that there was. My friend Anna said something that I really love and am going to share with you: "You only get one first time to do (physical) stuff with someone... make it count." I told her that I would keep it in mind. :)

While we dont know each other well (We'll call him A), A and I clicked almost instantly. We spent an entire morning and afternoon together without even the slightest bit of annoyance on either of our parts. It's kind of one of those things that just fits, I suppose.

I'm not getting ahead of myself, so I am going to end it here. I'm in New Orleans until Friday and I'm going to focus my attention on this city. Working here has really opened my eyes to how spoiled we all are.

Talk to you guys soon!! xoxoxo

This part of my life is called: Tears.

Today is my last day at work before a 2 week hiatus- one week volunteering in New Orleans and one week at a Missouri NAHRO conference in St. Louis. It's the most stressful day, by far, because everything must be completed, but I also have to deal with a boss that is the most unprofessional man I have ever seen.

Since I'm leaving for New Orleans on Sunday, I won't be here to collect my per diem and mileage check for St. Louis. About 2 weeks ago, my boss asked me if I would be driving, because, and I quote, "we don't want to leave anything to the last minute. You will have your per diem check with your Paycheck next Thursday" Well, today is Thursday. I asked him if it would be coming with the check today. He said no. He said we never had this conversation.

It's interesting, because it's like you're dealing with a mentally handicapped man with dementia. Not only does he not understand what you're saying, but he forgets things you spoke to him about 10 minutes ago. He has been a mean, mean boss- he told everyone at our table at the conference at the lake that I barely run an office, and that I can't do it, which is why he had to get me an assistant. This job was done by 2 people before I came here, and I handled it by myself for a year and a half before I finally asked for help.

Well, this is apparently what I did wrong- I asked another woman at the office when they were leaving for St Louis since I wont be home from New Orleans til late Friday. I was trying to figure out in my head when I would be able to get the check and how to cash it before I'm supposed to leave to St Louis. I get an angry call from my boss. He won't let me explain, screaming at me like an irate father to a child. He tells me that, quote, "I'm the boss and I'm sick of you challenging me. I didn't say that. You don't know what you're talking about". Plus some more angry words, telling me that I'm basically lying, and that I will get the money and to stop worrying about it. Then he hung up on me. Slamming the phone down.

This comes from a man that sent us and paid for training in Kansas City but forgot to register us, so he paid about $100 apiece for us to sit there, twiddling our thumbs for 4 hours. Genius.

I've worked here for nearly three years, and I'm about tired of this treatment. I have bent over backwards for this man, and he belittles and berates me. I'm about to give up this job for waiting tables- atleast I would get a little more respect. A waitress getting more respect than an office manager? Sounds strange, doesnt it?

Day Eight

GOOD NEWS ERRYBODY.

I went to KU Med today and had an ultrasound on my breast. The tech couldn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to take a mammogram just to make sure. The "mammographer" said that she could definitely see the spot where I had the lump and marked it so that we could definitely check that spot out. Nothing.

This is great, great news on one hand and frustrating news on the other. First, I don't have cancer and that is the absolute BEST possible outcome we could have!!! BUT! They tell you to check your breasts for changes. I did, and I saw it- and it was this lump. So I had it checked out, and they offered absolutely no explanation for what it could be- so how will I know if I ever do have a bad lump that needs to be checked? It's confusing!

But no more bad talk. I'm happy to be OKAY and thankful for all of your support. I'm going to throw myself into work and school and this mission. In fact, next week (Sunday-Friday) I will be in New Orleans, LA on a mission trip with my BFF, Michelle and her church. We will be feeding the homeless, working with a day camp every day, and eating real Southern food. It may not sound like a good vacation, but I'm excited about it- I love volunteering!

After I return home on Friday evening, I have to turn around and go to St Louis until July 1st for a Missouri NAHRO conference. It's going to be ridiculous! Out of my office for 2 weeks, are you SERIOUS! What ever will I do with myself??

Do you know what I miss most out of the whole being celibate thing? Cuddling. I feel that there is nothing better than being wrapped up in the arms of someone you (like or love). It's not the sex, it's not the kissing. Although I do miss hand holding. What can I say? I'm a hopeFUL romantic :)

Seventh Day.

I'm going to scream. At the top of my lungs.

This will probably be the whiniest blog I will ever write. I'm warning you now. Turn back if you must.

This whole celibacy thing is supposed to make me stronger. So far, it's not working. In fact, all it has made me wonder is if TRUE friends really exist, or if it's all just some lame fairy tale that the people that say that they are there for you really will be when you're sick, dying or bawling your eyes out.

I can count on ONE hand how many TRUE friends I have- and that's freaking pathetic. Did I do something wrong? I don't THINK so- I mean, how many times have I baked cookies and lasagna and made soup for sick friends- how many times have I let people cry on my shoulder and how many times have I saved you from hurting yourself?

Last night, I bawled my eyes out. I have lost one of my friends- and now, I'm wondering if he was even a friend to begin with. If he cared about me, he wouldn't be so selfish. I cant count how many times he's cried to me, I've made him dinner when he was sick or upset, that we've talked things out, held each other, and he hurt me. He hurt me so, so, so, so bad. And he doesnt care. So tell me, should I even have considered him a friend to begin with? Or should I add him to the list of people that have used and abused me, who have used me for my warmth, my smile, my cooking, my affection, my love- and then turned around and left me.

Tomorrow's my appointment. At this point, I don't even care what those tests say. I don't care. Call me dramatic, call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm done. I'm done.

On the Fifth Day, Laylan was bummed.

Today was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I worked all day on a Father's Day gift for my dad and it just didn't turn out as planned.

I finally got an appointment with KU Med's Cancer Center about the lump in my breast, and we have an ultrasound and mammogram scheduled for Tuesday. That is an ordeal in and of itself. I had about three or four people that said they would take me and then for many reasons, all ended up not being able to take me. I'm not upset about it, I mean, things happen. It's just frustrating. I didn't ask my mother to come up from the lake because I don't want to worry her even more about this. But, after the fourth person cancelled on me, she made the decision that she was coming, and quickly closed that discussion.

Here's something that really really irks me- don't say, "Everything's going to be fine." to someone in my situation. Why not, you ask? Because saying that belittles the person's worry- it makes them think that they're overreacting, that you aren't taking this health risk seriously. It's obviously important to them. Secondly, in some weird twist of psychology, it seems that when you tell someone that phrase, it will magically be some self fulfilling prophecy. Guess what. If I'm breeding cancer inside me right now, your cavalier statement about things being fine will just irritate me more. I'm already worried. So if you want to say, "You'll be in my thoughts/prayers", that's one thing. If you want to take the route my mother has taken, which is, "We'll get through it no matter what", I would appreciate it. Just don't say, "everythings going to be fine". And when things are fine, dont say, "see? told you so". that pisses me off even more.

Goodnight.

Day Dos

Day Two doesn't find me as well as Day One did. I walked into work today and am having some serious issues. Nothing's worse than being yelled at first thing in the morning. It makes me wish that I had someone there waiting for me when i get home, to crawl into their arms and cry out my worries.

That's what I'm working on though. Getting through day to day issues and problems without someone to fall back on. That's part of the reason that all of this came about. I would find myself being needy, insecure, always wanting someone near. I never wanted to be that girl that was alone. I would always make plans to have someone there, late into the night or to sleep over. It wasn't sex, it was the attention, the affection, the closeness.

I found myself wondering why I was doing this. That wasn't me. When did I go from independent badass to needy, whiny, little girl? Who was I? I wasn't happy. I was actually really, really sad. Sad when no one could come over, when I was forced to face night by myself.

At the end of this 30 days, I hope to be back to my BADASS self that I haven't really seen in years. But there will be speedbumps.

Before I started this, I ended two relationships- both were with men that I cared for much, much more than they cared for me. When I told them that I wasn't getting out of the relationship what I wanted or needed, I expected them to fight me on it. I expected them to tell me that they cared about me, that they're sorry that they hurt me. Neither one did. In fact, one called me insecure, and one told me that I'm making it all up in my head. Really? It's a nice little double standard when guys can tell you when they're upset, but when you tell them what upsets you, you're a bitch.

I ran into one of those guys yesterday. He didnt speak to me, but to be fair, I didnt speak to him either. It broke my heart, because I truly cared about him. And he seems to have tossed me aside as if I'm a piece of trash. The old Laylan would have cried, whined and pitied herself. The new Laylan? deleted his number :)

A quote from one of my favorite books: It's Called a Breakup Cause It's Broken:

"A breakup is like having broken ribs. On the outside, everything looks normal.

But on the inside, every little movement hurts"

That's why I'm repairing myself from the inside first.

Day One

It's Day One.

I've gotten overwhelming support from friends who really stand behind me on this mission and I'm really excited for that. Thanks errrybody!

I've been thinking about all the fun things I will be doing instead of dating, and I realized how silly I had been. I used to not make plans all night because someone said they "might" wanna hang out that evening. So imagine my surprise when it was 10:30 and he still hadn't called. All that wasted time!!!

Part of this blog is going to be my experiences with dating and why I've come to this point.

When I was younger... about 4th or 5th grade... my dad always referred to me as "boy crazy". And I was. I was a little flirt. Always talking about the cutest boy in class. And it continued through middle school. In high school, I had my very first semi-serious boyfriend in 10th grade. That's also when I got my first, ridiculously hot steamy kiss. After that, I was "in love" with being in love. I rarely went more than a few months without having a boyfriend. And so it's been that way ever since. I can't remember the last time I didn't have someone that I was "talking to", dating, or in a relationship with.

I dated someone that I was with for 4 years. We were high school sweethearts and got engaged right after our 3rd anniversary. When we broke up about months later, I was lost. I thought... wow, I have no idea how to date. I've only been with this one guy for almost the entire chunk of my dating life. It was weird. What I should have done was take time to focus on myself and figure out what I wanted in relationships. But, I didn't exactly do that.

What I did instead was try to fill that void- by dating someone new and trying to replace what I had with my ex. It didn't happen. It was an empty feeling. The next year or so, I dated around a lot- lots of first dates, lots of hookups, a few sprinkles of relationships. I met people that I never would have met if I hadn't dated around. As I've gotten older, I know that a lot of women do this- they go through a "selfish" phase where they try to find themselves.

That's just the start of my story. And it's only Day One.

The Mission

For 30 days and 30 nights, I'm committing to celibacy.

At 22 years old, I can hardly say that I'm jaded by the thought of love. But here I am, embarking on this celibacy journey because I'm just burnt out on the whole charade. The dating, the anticipation, the worry- what's supposed to be FUN in the beginning stages of a relationship turned into a horrible waiting for rejection game. It's exhausting.

During this month, there will be no sex. No kissing. No dating of any kind. Nothing past mere friendship with the opposite sex. No actively looking for people to date. If I happen to meet someone, I will get to know them- as friends first.

To some, this may seem old fashioned or silly. But when you really think about it, how many times a day do you think about your boyfriend/love interest, check your phone, spend time texting or calling, browse Craigslist's Missed Connections for a possible post? Come on! It's incredibly distracting.

So what am I gonna do with all my free time, you ask? I'm going to spend that time- wasted time, if you ask me, working on myself. I'm throwing myself into work, my internship with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, working out, generally taking care of ME.

Sure. There's going to be times where I'm lost, tired, lonely, confused, and sick of all of this. But I'm making this commitment for 30 days- a simple month of time, to concentrate, and not be distracted by anything.

And at the end... we'll see where I am. Maybe I will meet someone who's worth waiting for. Or even better, maybe this month will prepare me and polish me up- to meet "the one".

I guess we'll see....

Day One starts in 8 hours.