That's what I'm working on though. Getting through day to day issues and problems without someone to fall back on. That's part of the reason that all of this came about. I would find myself being needy, insecure, always wanting someone near. I never wanted to be that girl that was alone. I would always make plans to have someone there, late into the night or to sleep over. It wasn't sex, it was the attention, the affection, the closeness.
I found myself wondering why I was doing this. That wasn't me. When did I go from independent badass to needy, whiny, little girl? Who was I? I wasn't happy. I was actually really, really sad. Sad when no one could come over, when I was forced to face night by myself.
At the end of this 30 days, I hope to be back to my BADASS self that I haven't really seen in years. But there will be speedbumps.
Before I started this, I ended two relationships- both were with men that I cared for much, much more than they cared for me. When I told them that I wasn't getting out of the relationship what I wanted or needed, I expected them to fight me on it. I expected them to tell me that they cared about me, that they're sorry that they hurt me. Neither one did. In fact, one called me insecure, and one told me that I'm making it all up in my head. Really? It's a nice little double standard when guys can tell you when they're upset, but when you tell them what upsets you, you're a bitch.
I ran into one of those guys yesterday. He didnt speak to me, but to be fair, I didnt speak to him either. It broke my heart, because I truly cared about him. And he seems to have tossed me aside as if I'm a piece of trash. The old Laylan would have cried, whined and pitied herself. The new Laylan? deleted his number :)
A quote from one of my favorite books: It's Called a Breakup Cause It's Broken:
"A breakup is like having broken ribs. On the outside, everything looks normal.
But on the inside, every little movement hurts"
That's why I'm repairing myself from the inside first.
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